Mailbag #3 – On Inner Work, Doing the Work, and Calling In Men

You have questions. I have answers.

Thanks for all the amazing questions in this month’s mailbag. I’ve posted them below this teaser.

You can watch the full video where I answer them all by subscribing to Lovesplaining.

Why do men hang around, text, disappear, come back, but never ask for dates? Are these men worth any time and energy? – Janell  

You suggest that every woman be the CEO of their own love life. Somewhere there is a male dating coach that probably suggests every man be the CEO of his love life. I know when I have male friends or co-workers talk to me about dates, relationships, etc, I advise them to act more CEO-like because they sometimes come off as desperate. Then you have two people, potentially, that are vying for CEO. Is this problematic? Does there always have to be a CEO and an intern?-Erin

Hi Evan, I listened to a recent podcast that you posted about if you’re not on dating apps, dating weekly, you’re not putting enough effort in and you’re not going to meet your person. I’m on there and, if I have to be honest, I’m hardly attracted to anyone. I work hard on myself. I do a lot of inner work. I know what I want. I also do not want to waste anyone’s time. I don’t want to go out with a guy if I’m not attracted to them. I had that in the past and it won’t work. I feel weekly is unrealistic. – Paula

How can I love an avoidant man that will be there for some situations but not others – but somehow works for both parties by giving them stability and emotional fulfillment? – Estela

How fast is too fast in the early stages of dating? I was thinking my guy was moving slowly in our dating but actually, I feel today it’s perfect. Last night I looked at our first emails and it’s been a lot faster than it felt to me at the beginning. But one of my Love U sisters really got on me this week in a post saying I need to slow down. What looks like a good time frame, Evan? My guy is really being responsive and loving, I feel so happy. I also want to be the CEO and keep an effective-not too fast or too slow-pace for our relationship. – Shari

Where’s the line between communicating your needs/wants vs. trying to mold someone into something they’re not? For example: if you value playfulness but they are more the serious type. I assume personality traits you have to accept, vs. something like wanting to them open car doors for you (simple behaviors), etc. can be communicated. Thank you! – Annie

When you met your wife she was 37 years old, did you ever feel pressured about the issue of children and/or her biological clock at the beginning of the relationship? – Cynthia

After a breakup with an avoidantly attached man 7 months ago, I’m dating intentionally and want to call in an emotionally available man. Even though I’ve done a lot of inner work to heal, when I visualize what I want, I see the face of my ex. Intellectually, I know I need to let go; yet, there is still a part of me that holds on to the hope of creating something different with him in the future. He’s made it clear that he’s “on a different path.” Do you think I can be successful with dating when there is part of me that hasn’t let go? And, what else can I do to fully let go? Or will this come in time. . .? – Cokie

What’s your take on dating divorced men in their 60s who have a ‘victim-like’ story about their ex-wife? They make out that she was of mad/cruel/ controlling. And they paint themselves as the innocent victim of this awful woman. My feeling is stay away unless they have owned their own part in it and done their own inner work. What do you think? – Carol

The guys that I do want to date, and they seem interested, I will ask to have a phone conversation first before we meet. To break the ice and see how we connect first, 90 percent won’t do it? Why? And how do we navigate this? I use it as a screening tool. To see if I want to meet…. I feel if you can’t bother giving me 5 minutes before we meet so I feel more comfortable, then this is a big red flag. Thoughts? – Paula

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