Is It Appropriate to Discuss Sexual Preferences Before We Have Sex?

I’ve had two dates with a man that I met online. We are in the process of getting to know each other. I don’t like to sleep with men within three dates, and he has been a perfect gentleman. So, our conversations thus far have not included sexual related topics/questions. But, I’m curious if we’re compatible on all levels, specifically the bedroom. This has been a problem for me in my past relationships. So, I want to know how long, if at all, can I ask a man about his sexual preferences in the bedroom? Everyone has their own comfort level. So if a man doesn’t like to do the same things in the bedroom that I like to do or wants to do more than what I’m comfortable with, then I don’t want us to waste any more time on each other. Please advise.

Thank you,
Nora

I usually don’t take questions that I can answer in one word, but here goes:

No.

You should not attempt to negotiate sexual preferences while you’re eating your Caesar salad. It’s weird, it’s premature, it’s unnecessary, it’s unnatural.

That doesn’t mean I’m suggesting that sex is unimportant, only that there is an accepted, organic way to navigate sex, and it usually doesn’t involve a sober conversation about your respective kinks during Date 2.

To me, this is no different than ANY deep relationship discussion that people choose to have prematurely.

Stop trying to figure out if he’s sexually compatible with you through words, and start investigating it through actions.

“How do you feel about having Jewish kids?” “What is your take on feminism?” “I have erectile dysfunction but I’m in treatment.” “I have genital herpes.” “My ex-husband was a physical abuser.” “I just got out of jail in March.” “Do you have a 401k set up?” “Are you open to threesomes?”

All are relevant in deciding whether you are long-term compatible; none are things that need to be discussed with a virtual stranger at a restaurant. You have a lot more leverage over a man when he’s been seeing you for six weeks, he’s taken his profile down and called himself your boyfriend, than when you’ve known each other for seven hours over two weeks.

The way I put it in Why He Disappeared is this: it’s like you want to read the last page of the book without reading the actual book. So stop trying to figure out if he’s sexually compatible with you through words, and start investigating it through actions.

If you find yourself in a relationship with a man who doesn’t satisfy you sexually, then you have every right to break up with him. But you may not get yourself into a relationship if you try to have these kinds of “compatibility” conversations too early on.

I recall the woman who asked me if I was interested in choking her and another woman who asked for my “number.” Neither of them got another date.