What Does a 28-Year-Old Woman Need to Do to Lose Her Virginity?

Dear Evan,

I’m a couple of years from 30 and still a virgin, but I’m not waiting for marriage. I’ve kept mine because going through high school and college it seemed like hookups were frequent topics of gossip and drama. Coming from small schools, I didn’t want any part of that even if I did want sex.

However, now I’m beyond fed up with my virginity. But, friends say that guys don’t want to be with a virgin, even when it comes to a hookup. That has me wondering what I’m going to have to do to lose it.

Should I go with what my friends say and lie to a guy that I just haven’t had it in a while and need him to be extra gentle? Go with a hookup app and be honest? Am I going to have to plan a trip to one of the countries where women pay to play?

Thanks for any insight!
Jordan

Dear Jordan,

I’ve answered a number of questions about virginity before — and have discovered that when virgins search the internet to find validation for their abstinence, they often end up yelling at me.

Perhaps the chaste crowd will lighten up after reading your letter. Finally, a virgin who is not looking for validation of her choice, but someone who actually wants to lose her virginity.

You’ve come to the right place!

I may sound like a sex-positive former slut, but I was a virgin until I was 19. It certainly wasn’t for a lack of trying; it was mostly a lack of “game.” I went through my entire freshman year thinking that my best friends lost their virginity before I did, but, as it turns out, they all lied and I was the first.

Finally, a virgin who is not looking for validation of her choice, but someone who actually wants to lose her virginity.

Yeah, we were all pretty studly. But even though I wasn’t 28, I can empathize with your plight.

The problem when you’ve gone this long without having sex is that you’ve inadvertently made sex into this HUGE deal, when, in fact, it’s not that big a deal at all. (Not unless you’re part of the Christian abstinence crowd, that is). Sex is a really common, really fun way to pass a half-hour with someone you’re attracted to, and as long as you can handle the consequences, I highly recommend it.

But that’s the rub, isn’t it? Can you handle the consequences of a no-strings-attached hookup? Since lots of sexually active women can’t, I’m going to assume you should be more judicious in your choices.

So let’s go back to your original letter:

You’re “fed up” with your virginity and are wondering “what you have to do to lose it.”

I’m no math major, but this isn’t a hard problem to solve. Men want to have sex with women. As a subset of the group called women, you should really not lack in opportunity.

Should you lie to a guy (like your friends say) and say you haven’t had it in awhile?

No! Who are these friends, anyway? You’re a nice girl who has held out on sex a little longer than you’d like; that doesn’t mean you should just lie to a stranger and fuck away.

Slow down there, Jordan. You’re not desperate. You’re just horny.

Go with a hookup app and be honest? Plan a trip to one of the countries where women pay to play?

Slow down there, Jordan. You’re not desperate. You’re just horny. But if you’ve gone this long without having sex, you don’t have to waste it on a total stranger (like I did).

How about you do what many high school and college kids do (and what I recommend all of my 30-50something clients do)? Start dating someone. Fool around. Take him around the bases. Say you don’t sleep with anyone who is not your boyfriend. When he becomes your boyfriend, have sex with him. Wonder what the big deal was about. Have more sex. And get on with your life without all the worrying about how to lose your virginity.

Don’t go on a hook up app. Don’t fuck a stranger. Don’t hold out for love and marriage.

Get a boyfriend who treats you well and will call you the next day.

The rest will take care of itself.

Good luck.