Why Do Men Not Accept Me and My Flaws When I Fully Accept Them?

One trend in your advice is that men just want someone who accepts them for who they are, loves them, doesn’t nag them, etc. I am someone who does this, for the most part. I have had 4 serious boyfriends in the past. I have never had a problem when my boyfriend goes out with friends, goes on a guy’s trip, works late, watches porn, etc. I try to encourage all these things (and even love watching porn myself). I try to set a very accepting tone in my relationships and I encourage complete freedom and trust from both parties.

I am overall a fun, accepting girlfriend. I am a lawyer in New York and am very busy with my own life. I invite excitement, I rarely nag, and (in the past few years, at least) I don’t date guys who I want to change. I have fully accepted my last two boyfriends for exactly who they are but it seems like they’ve both had problems accepting me in the same way.

My most recent relationship was the most intense, immediate love I have ever experienced. I truly and deeply loved everything about him, flaws and all. I accepted every part of him and loved him unconditionally. Since the beginning, we had some core differences (politics, how we spent money, how we plan to raise children, etc.) that came up on occasion. I guess it bothered him more than it bothered me and he ended up breaking up with me. It has been 2 months and I’m still heartbroken.

Anyway, my question is, when you say finding a man to marry you is as simple as loving and accepting that man for who he is, is that just a generalization? Is that assuming that all the other pieces of the puzzle are already there? I was the supportive, accepting girlfriend that you describe, but he broke up with me anyway. Or am I not actually being the supportive girlfriend that I think I’m being?

And if this is relevant: I am 27, he was 26

Samantha

Dear Samantha,

You’ve heard the adage that life isn’t fair?

It’s true. Life isn’t fair. And love isn’t a meritocracy.

You don’t find lasting love because you’re beautiful.
You don’t find lasting love because you’re intelligent.
You don’t find lasting love because you’re nice.

You find lasting love because you choose a loving, compatible partner. Period.

You find lasting love because you choose a loving, compatible partner. Period.

My wife was cheated on by three ex-boyfriends and an ex-husband.

The last guy she dated before me was a post-marriage rebound relationship where he decided after a year-and-a-half that he “wanted to start seeing other people.”

My wife is the poster girl for “the cool girl with boundaries.”

Did she do anything wrong that these men cheated on her and left her?

Not at all. The only thing she did wrong was choose charismatic men of low character.

If you’re a regular reader, you can pretty neatly put my advice into two buckets:

1. Be a better girlfriend.
2. Choose better men.

Let’s say, for the sake of argument, that you’re already the perfect girlfriend.

Now, you just have to choose a man who treats YOU the way you treat HIM.

That doesn’t guarantee a happy life for you.

But it does mean you’ll have a much easier time attracting and keeping a good man than a woman who is negative, critical, difficult and selfish.

Long story short, my heart breaks for you, but you’re way ahead of the game.

Now, you just have to choose a man who treats YOU the way you treat HIM.