When To Know You’re A Rebound

Almost a year ago a work colleague started talking to me and we started getting along. A couple of months later we went out with a couple of his friends and had a great time.  

His girlfriend of 10 years who he was planning on marrying and who he says is the love of his life broke up with him around the time we met

His girlfriend of 10 years who he was planning on marrying and who he says is the love of his life broke up with him around the time we met, and since then he’s been in a depression and taking pills for it. As we started hanging out and talking more, we ended up hooking up after a while.  He always said he was not ready for a serious relationship, as he had just left one and was heartbroken.  

Since then we’ve been spending A LOT of time together (we spend almost every night together), and I’m afraid this will lead to a burnout on both our parts.  While we are not boyfriend/girlfriend, he has said I am his partner, and that he would really like to try to have a relationship with me when he’s over his ex, but also that he’s afraid I will lose my patience and stop waiting for that time to come.  He treats me well and is a caring and sweet man whose life dream is to have a family and kids, and we have talked about anything and everything regarding that.  

He’s introduced me to all of his friends and family as “a friend,” but I’m pretty sure they know I’m more than that, and he has told me that his parents have told him to hang on to me, and not let me go, as I’m a great girl according to them.  I know he’s making an effort to make things work, even if we’re not a couple, but a part of me is afraid he’s just going along for the ride and will not be ready for a relationship any time soon.  I know he likes me, but I also feel there are small inconsiderate things he does.

For example, he doesn’t seem to care when he knows I have no jacket and it’s cold outside, and rather than hurrying up a conversation with friends–so I can get to a warmer place–he drags the conversation out while I sit there freezing, nor is he aware when chatting with others that it’s quite late, and I have to get to work the next day, even though he sees me standing there almost falling asleep on my feet.

He also used to be quite vocal about how he would have liked to have “tried” different types of girls, and whenever he saw cute/hot girls, he was a bit flirty with them. He still mentions this type of thing, but far less since I talked to him about it.  I know these are small things and are not too important in the big scheme of things, but what I’m worried about is if he just doesn’t care enough about me to care in general about my feelings, and most importantly, if I should take what he said seriously, that he’s not ready for anything serious right now and just let it go.  How long is it enough to wait before giving up on something that could be very good?

Poppy

Yep, you’re a rebound

Yep, you’re a rebound, Poppy. There’s nothing wrong with that unless you fall in love with the rebound guy and expect him to want to marry you. Which you seem to have done.

So yeah, what you’ve really done here is ask two entirely different questions:

Q: Should I ignore it when a guy:

1. Is clinically depressed.
2. Is still hung up on his ex.
3. Says he’s not looking for a serious relationship.
4. Introduces you as his “friend.”
5. Hasn’t offered to become your boyfriend in a year.

A: No!!!

Each of these are separate red flags that add up to one huge crimson banner, telling you to run far, far away from this man. Yet, even looking at that list, you still won’t run because you can find ways to justify his behavior because it prolongs your fantasy.

Hasn’t everyone gone through depression?

Isn’t it normal to take time to get over someone you loved?

Maybe he wasn’t looking for something serious then, but now he’s probably ready.

I think he’s afraid of declaring his feelings for me publicly.

Fact is, Poppy, your worries are well-founded.

He gets all the benefits of having a girlfriend without the obligations that come with being the boyfriend.

He gets all the benefits of having a girlfriend without the obligations that come with being the boyfriend. I call this “The Emotional Booty Call,” and even though you’re having sex with him, you still don’t have the peace of mind of knowing that you’re building something that leads anywhere.

As far as your other question about whether he could be more considerate of you?

Let’s just say that it may be a point of concern if he were your boyfriend, but he’s not, he’s not going to be, and you shouldn’t invest more time in waiting for him to come around.

If he wanted to be your boyfriend and get on the marriage path with you, he’d already have done so. Cut him loose and look for a man who wants to take you off the market within 6 weeks. I promise it’ll feel a LOT better than whatever relationship you have now.