I’m Upset That My Non-Boyfriend Isn’t Acting Like My Boyfriend

I’ve been dating this guy for about three months. He has worked out of the country for 2 of those three months and just got back home this week.

While he was away he called me or texted me everyday, was very attentive and made the effort to keep in contact since he was on the other side of the world.

I picked him up from the airport, brought him home, he gave me a small gift and we had a nice night just watching TV and talking. I go to work and get a text that says he’s taking off with a buddy for a week, Last minute trip type thing but he’s leaving that day.

I told him I’m happy that he’s getting to spend time with his friend but I also feel kind of jilted that I waited so patiently for him to come home.

His response was less than stellar. He pretty much stated that I can’t expect him to stay home all day and wait for me to come home from work to hang out with me. That he missed the whole summer working away and wants to spend time with his friends and do fun things cause his work takes away from that.

I kinda just said, whoa, that’s not what I meant, that I would never take him away from friends or living his life. To have a good trip and I’ll talk to him later.

I can’t help how I feel, because I do feel jilted. I also feel like he just assumed I was trying to cage him, when in reality all I wanted was to be included in his life.

I’m not sure if I should just leave him to his devices while he’s gone and talk to him when he gets back. Maybe I triggered something in him. Or just walk away now and save myself the trouble of dealing with someone who doesn’t make the effort to understand where I’m coming from?

Annette

I’m sorry you’re feeling this way, Annette. And I’m sorry I already answered your question in the title of this blog post. I know it seems more complicated to you than it might to me.

However, you pretty much painted a clear, objective picture of the situation.

• You’re sleeping with a man who hasn’t committed to you.
• You’ve only been seeing each other for one month out of three.
• Despite the fact that he was attentive while you were gone (which gave you hope), now that he’s home, he’s not treating you like a priority (which makes you sad).
• You seek validation about feeling “jilted” and want to know what to do now.

Here goes:

You are certainly entitled to feel disappointed and hurt that your long-distance connection hasn’t been as intense since this man’s return.

You can even call it “jilted” if you like.

What you can’t reasonably do — from my perspective, anyway — is imply that he has done anything wrong beyond being insensitive in his texts.

But he’s not your boyfriend. Never has been.

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If he were your committed boyfriend, it’d be one thing.

There’s a code of conduct on how boyfriends are supposed to behave and this guy certainly didn’t live up to it.

But he’s not your boyfriend. Never has been. He’s the guy you dated for a month before he went away for two months.

As such, you have no leverage over him, nor much right to give him guilt over his chosen course of action.

He’s doing what’s right for him.

You do what’s right for you.

By the time you read this, Annette, your situation will already have been resolved. My guess is that you won’t have to talk to him about your text exchange. Nor will you have to walk away.

My guess is that he’s already shown you the type of relationship he’d like to have — a casual one, entirely on his terms. All that remains to be seen is whether you continue to accept it or whether you dump his ass to find a man who values you more.