How Can I Ever Let a Man Get Close to Me Again?

I am shattered from bad relationships. I’ve just finished my seventh long term relationship and I’m only 37.

The man before this last one died unfortunately from cancer and left me with a newborn baby. I took nearly four years to pull myself together after this and then met a man online.

I followed all of your advice and I thought I had found the greatest man. He was charming, kind, considerate, a gentleman and happy to take myself and my son on.

It was next to perfect for a year and then it started to change. He started to make little mean comments about my son which got to me. For example, his ears stuck out or what kind of genes does he have when he was old one day.

I started to worry about this and I talked to him and he said he would stop. However then I realized he was telling me small little white lies but I soon found out he was telling big ones too.

I’ve finished it with him after a year and five months. I’m absolutely deflated. I thought it was finally my time to marry again have another child. I thought it was coming together for me with a wonderful caring man.

I see now he’s a narcissist who was manipulating me. I could only see his good points at the beginning. Luckily, I took on your advice not to make a massive commitment with a man until I know him a year. I had not let him move in with me thankfully.

Evan, I’m shattered from relationships. I just don’t know how I could ever let another man in after the lies and deception. He was so good and kind to my son in the beginning and then it suddenly changed. How can I let someone close to him again? How can I trust and let someone into my life again?

Yours,

Anne

I’m sorry about your rocky relationship experience, and, in particular, this latest heartbreak. I completely understand why you feel the way you feel, and why you’d be wary of other men in the future.

I’m also confident in the following:

a. The next guy has nothing to do with the last guy.

b. You won’t repeat the same mistakes you made in your past seven relationships.

c. The men you’ve dated in the past don’t necessarily represent the men you’ll date in the future.

I have a close friend, Jack, who has a different — but similarly tumultuous relationship history.

His first wife was an alcoholic who was unfaithful to him. They broke up in his early 30’s.

His second wife was an alcoholic who was unfaithful to him. They broke up in his early 50’s.

He’s now going through his second divorce, living in an apartment, paying heavily for alimony, and wondering what he did wrong.

I’m not sure what all of his friends told him but my answer was really simple: he married the wrong woman twice.

Jack was focused on how he could have been a better partner, a better communicator, and looking at the wreckage of his life. I was focused on the fact that ANYBODY who married his ex-wives would have ended up in a similar position, sooner or later.

He’s seeing his own failure; I’m thinking that it’s remarkable he made it for 18 years with his second wife.

And, so, Anne, you are entitled to lick your wounds and second guess yourself and the entire male gender from here until eternity.

Frankly, I don’t see the value in it. You had seven relationships that didn’t turn out to be your final one. I did, too.

If you’re hurting and you want to get your head on straight before you get back out there again, I highly recommend you click here.

You deserve that big love you’ve been waiting for your entire life.

Keep going, learn from your mistakes, and trust that the best is yet to come.

But you’re not going to find it as long as you see yourself as shattered and remain mistrustful of men and relationships. Keep going, learn from your mistakes, and trust that the best is yet to come.

We are all relationship failures until the day we become relationship successes.

Good luck, my friend.