All The Guys on Dating Apps Just Want to Get Laid. What Should I Do?

On one of your articles, you make the statement: “My wife and I ‘hung out’ once a week for four weeks at the beginning of our relationship. I didn’t take her on a traditional “date” for over a month. She never wanted to know where we were headed, never called me to check in, and never did anything except respond affirmatively when I reached out.”

Would you please mind elaborating on “hang out”? It may sound daft, but for those of us who struggle (especially in the NYC area) may I ask what you were doing when hanging out? Taking a walk in the park? Drinking coffee at Starbucks? At a bar with friends playing pool? Watching Netflix at each other’s house? The reason I ask this is because… well… sex. If you do not mind sharing how long did you and your wife wait to have sex until after the traditional dating occurred? I know it’s a rather personal question but it actually does matter and it is tied to “hanging out” from the average dater’s perspective.

Let me explain my experience and concern….for some people (and many men) who want to “Netflix and chill” they are sending the Tinder industry standard message that they want a “FWB.” Almost every time I have been asked for this the conversation quickly turns into “oh and you can stay over” and I quickly let them know that I am not interested in sex this soon and they quickly disappear, which is fine but also a waste of my time. (and this is on every platform – Luxy/Eharmony/Match/ Bumble/ Tinder….You get the point).

There is 1 single guy to 5 single women in NYC and when you stack the odds up to add in the age of a person it gets harder. Tinder is geared to play on the psychology of meeting men’s short term needs and in as such even if they are commitment minded they will always default to meet their short-term needs – it’s just how the psychology of human mating works. Now that being said, for many women who will not have sex until they are in a solid relationship – they may not feel comfortable with that or may feel pressured into sex when they are not ready for it with the “hang out” scenario.

It might be helpful to actually get some advice because many women could interpret this the wrong way. And it seems that as your wife seems to have taken the right path with a guy who was a (self-identified) serial dater and made it work – you said it not me – been reading your blogs for years, have all your books etc….

What might be an interesting experiment – is if you make a profile as a woman sometime and see how badly we get treated out there – no matter how great our pics are. No matter how good our profile is, no matter how laid back we appear – I think Tinder and Bumble are unfairly geared towards meeting the short-term mating cycle of men and of course if that is where all the men are the women will go there.

Catherine

Hoo-boy, Catherine. Strap yourself in, because we’re going for a ride!

Your friendly neighborhood dating coach is going to tackle everything you wrote – and, in the process, separate fact from fiction and logic from emotion – so that you can start to approach dating with a healthier and more effective mindset.

But first, let’s validate your experience. Yes, it’s a jungle out there. Yes, New York is unique. Yes, men look for sex. Yes, Tinder is not designed with women’s relationship needs in mind.

Yes, it’s a jungle out there. Yes, New York is unique. Yes, men look for sex.

However, that doesn’t mean everything you wrote is true, nor does it mean that there aren’t ways to date successfully in NYC.

Let’s address four misunderstandings that you and I seem to have up front:

1. The 1 single guy to 5 single women thing? Not true. Not even close. Please stop repeating it and believing in it. It’s unhealthy and disempowering, as if the universe was completely stacked against you. It’s not.
2. I have written repeatedly how dating apps are terrible because they bring out the instant gratification side of both men and women. On this, we agree.
3. I have written about how men look for sex and find love, and how women should make men wait for commitment before having sex. On this we agree.
4. I’ve written about someone who created a fake profile to see what women experience. And my TEDx talk referenced how terrible guys are at online dating and gives a screenshot of one poor clients’ inbox. The idea that, after 16 years of doing this, I don’t know what it’s like for women? C’mon, give me some credit.

So, let’s get this straight:

We agree that dating apps are shallow, awful for communication, and brings out the worst in men because it allows them to text incessantly, push for sex, and move onto the next woman without a second thought.

We agree that dating apps make for a terrible experience for women.

We agree that women should not have sex with a guy if they’re not comfortable with the status of their relationship.

You just want to know two things:

1. When I slept with my wife.
2. What to do in spite of the above.

Believe it or not, both questions have the same exact answer.

In Love U, I outline, step by step, how to break free from the tyranny of dating apps, texting, friends with benefits, and the sinking (and false) feeling that it’s impossible to meet a quality guy for a long-term relationship.

Understand, a guy who is open to Netflix and chill is not necessarily averse to love. I know I wasn’t. It’s your job to suss out the players early on to see who’s serious about you. If you don’t know how to do that – or feel it’s impossible give the tools at your disposal – that’s what I’m here for during our weekly coaching calls.

As to when I slept with my wife, that’s a story I’ll tell you when we’re on the phone – not here in public. But I will tell you this: I was the one who held out, not her.

Hope to see you in class next week, Catherine.