My Boyfriend Doesn’t Make Me Feel Wanted Sexually

Is It Normal To Not Feel Sexually Desired in a Relationship?

Anytime I’ve ever brought up the idea of compromising on chemistry, someone pops up in the comments and shouts at me that I don’t understand how important it is. I’ve never said otherwise.

Attraction can be an appreciation of physical beauty. 

Good sex can be a skill.

Attraction can be an appreciation of physical beauty.

But desire is more primal – a drive towards sex – taking a couple’s physical intimacy to a new level.

When sexual desire is low, it can cause problems in the relationship

The hard part is that desire usually drops due to hedonic adaption. The longer you have sex with someone, the less you desire sexual intimacy. 

Next thing you know, a married couple hasn’t had sex in a year, not out of anger or repugnance but indifference. That’s what happens when desire isn’t there.

How Does It Feel When Your Man Doesn’t Desire You?

Enter Sarah Einstein, who wrote this searing essay on what it’s like to have a husband who doesn’t desire her. 

Here’s an excerpt:

“… it’s taken some getting used to, this being the one who desires rather than the one who is desired. Being the one to say,” I want you.”

The one to extend the goodnight kiss beyond sleep well and into letting me touch you. The one who mutters in the middle of it, my god, you are beautiful. 

The one who sometimes whispers, thank you. And the one who afterward makes up the outside part of the spoon.

It would be a lie to say that I never miss the flash of longing in a lover’s eye, the low growl of desire near my ear during lovemaking, the thrill of being wanted, urgently, by someone. The opportunity to say yes instead of asking, would you?

The quiet pleasure of acquiescence to someone else’s need.”

You may read the piece and think it’s sad – and, from one perspective, it certainly is. Yet this is a woman who is loved unconditionally for all of her other qualities – and her husband’s only crime is answering her questions about sexual desire honestly. 

How to Handle a Relationship When One Partner Doesn’t Have Sexual Desire

I’m not saying whether or not anyone should have a relationship like them; I would only point out that all long-term relationships involve tradeoffs.

Here’s what you need to do:

Communicate with him about your needs and desires.

When you can express your needs and desires to your partner, they can understand you better and feel closer to you. Furthermore, effective communication can help to prevent misunderstandings and arguments from occurring. 

Understand that there is a difference between a lack of sexual desire and an aversion to sex.

I couldn’t give up having a woman find me honest and funny, even if she appreciated other parts of me. So, I understand why a woman could have everything else from a man and still not feel satisfied without his desire.

Be open to trying new things to reignite your sexual desire.

If you struggle to get aroused or maintain interest during sex, it may be time to spice things up a bit. Sometimes, simply being open to trying something new with your partner can make all the difference. 

Your thoughts below on how you handle things when your boyfriend doesn’t make you feel wanted sexually are greatly appreciated.