Why Do Men Get Serious So Fast?

In this age of all of these swiping apps, I feel like men are trying to jump into a serious relationship immediately. Sometimes without even having met me, or after one date they are acting like we’re in a serious relationship. If I try to slow things down a bit and get to know someone, it seems like they disappear if I’m not responding with the same level of intensity. I think my slowing things down to actually get to know a man feels like a rejection to him. I feel like another woman is just one swipe away so why try to get to know someone a little slowly if someone else will pick up the intensity right away?

I noted in my profile that I prefer to get to know someone a little slowly at the very beginning. Some guys seem to respect that and I’ve even had a phone conversation with one guy about it. I asked “why don’t people want to actually date at the beginning anymore”? He told me it’s the scarcity mentality and men feel like you’re just one swipe away from meeting someone else so they want to lock you down right away. He is an example of what I’m experiencing. We were trying to sync our schedules up and we decided to meet about a week and a half after our initial call. We had a few calls over a couple of days and fun banter back and forth on text. Then poof, he disappeared. We didn’t even get to the first date. Nothing awkward happened in any of the calls. My assumption is that he just met someone more interesting to him than me in the meantime. We’re the same age and he is not that good looking at all but not terrible either.

In the past I have jumped straight into relationships where I was in a serious relationship right away but then realized a few months in that I didn’t really know the person and then figured out that we were not compatible. It’s a little painful to extract myself from those situations so taking it a little slow is the way to go. Am I the only one who thinks this? How do you keep the interest going before you get to the date? What if you really have no idea how you feel about someone before you meet them and don’t feel super flirty on text?

Lisa

Great letter, Lisa. I agree with almost everything you wrote.

In fact, my dating philosophy is based on the principle you outlined in the last paragraph:

“Taking it a little slow is the way to go.”

That’s why month 2 of Love U goes from Staying Cool to Sex to Being Selective to Becoming Exclusive to Boyfriend Material, in that order. Better to spend a month evaluating whether a guy is worthy of commitment BEFORE he’s your boyfriend, not after.

Otherwise, there’ll be a lot of hooking up and breaking up with people you never should have hooked up with in the first place.

All you can do is continue to go at your pace and show them how to please you better.

So why do we act like this?

Chemistry – dopamine and serotonin are much more powerful than “let’s take it slow.”

Scarcity – “If I don’t act fast, this amazing man will be off the market quickly!”

Competition – “I’m aware you have other options so, quick, choose me before you explore them!”

That’s what you got right, Lisa. But observing this doesn’t fix the fact that most people are more driven by passion than logic when it comes to dating. I’m no different.

In 2000, I was head-over-heels for a woman on Match. Totally wanted her to be my girlfriend after one date. She told me she was happy being single and dating 5 other guys. Instead of shaming her for dating other men, pressuring her into committing against her will, or bailing because of my own insecurity, I tried something novel:

I told her that she should date whomever she wanted. But the next time she went out with another guy and discovered she had more fun with me, she should stop seeing that guy.

I think it took about two weeks for her to become my girlfriend.

(Sadly, this was my hottest/craziest relationship, but the courtship was kinda cute.)

Bringing this back to you, Lisa, with these aggressive men:

All you can do is continue to go at your pace and show them how to please you better.

The right guy will follow your lead. The wrong guy will throw a fit like a petulant child. It won’t take long to figure out which one is which.

Two other points which you may not have considered:

“I noted in my profile that I prefer to get to know someone a little slowly at the very beginning.”

Please don’t do this. I agree with you in principle, as I wrote above. That doesn’t mean you should advertise it. “Moving slowly” or “Friends first” is easily read as “I’m fearful. I have issues with trust and sex. You won’t get laid for at least a few months.” You can move slow, but don’t take away the thrill of the chase by explaining this in your profile.

“Men feel like you’re just one swipe away from meeting someone else so they want to lock you down right away.”

But couldn’t that just as easily be said about women? At least the first part? You’re giving men all the power in this equation but wouldn’t you say that an attractive woman who has hundreds of men swiping right on her maintains the greatest level of power? You may not like how quickly men pressure you into commitment, but every guy knows the experience of a woman who disappears because some other guy got there first.

The answer – as always – is more confidence that you have the right to pace things in a way that works for you AND men, more communication to show men how you prefer to be courted, and more empathy for why the opposite sex does what it does. There’s a reason that men push hard – and it’s not just to be annoying.