I’m Invisible And Unwanted By Men And It’s Not My Fault!

I just read your article in why some women don’t find love. I am coming away from it feeling resentful. You make it sound like women who can’t find love don’t try. I am 47 years old, single mom who has been in dating sites only to get dick pics and ghosters. Or men who get mad at me if I don’t take the lead. I have read your book, Roiy Raye’s books and program. I am in the field of wellness and holistic health and work on myself daily. I consistently face my insecurities, attempt to release my baggage and let go of the pain of 30+ years of either being ignored or used by almost every man I have encountered, including 2 emotionally and mentally abusive men. I don’t chase, over text, flip out, am not spoiled or immature- all the claims in the comments that these men make. I cannot understand it and I am so lonely and depressed and hopeless that there is nothing left to do but accept that there is NOT a man for me. I can’t try anymore when I just don’t even seem to exist to men. Except to be taken from. And I resent the implication that it’s because I don’t do anything. Bitchy, demanding, high maintenance, shallow women attract a mate. Sorry I can’t and don’t want to be that. Just once I’d like someone to recognize that it’s not as easy for some of us. Some of us are invisible and unwanted.

-Julie

 Dear Julie,

I’m sorry to hear you’re in so much pain right now.

I’m also sorry you feel resentful towards me for writing an article about why some women don’t find love.

I do the best I can to give sound advice for free but I acknowledge that what I have to say may not always what you want to hear at the time, and that some of this advice isn’t applicable to you. 

Then again, if it’s not applicable to you, why get upset about it? 

If I read an article on how to be a better husband and discovered I was doing everything the article recommended, I would feel proud and validated. 

On the other hand, if I read an article on how to be a better husband and discovered I was lacking in some areas, I would probably feel personally indicted and defensive.

Your situation sounds more like the latter, so let’s dig into it together.

You have every right to feel frustrated when all of your hard work hasn’t paid off.

Listen, you have every right to feel frustrated when all of your hard work hasn’t paid off. I don’t blame you one bit. I’m not going to defend dick pics or ghosters or passive men. I will loudly applaud you for taking responsibility for your own love life and doing the best you can to operate from a place of confidence, security and abundance.

All I can say – without ANY information about you – is this:

1. The conclusion that there is NOT a man for you is false. I mean, it may be true, but if it is, it’s a function of your desire to quit dating as opposed to persevering, rather than any objective statement about all the men on earth. I’m a dating coach. I have clients like you get engaged every week. If you insist that you’re the exception and that the Universe has conspired to keep you single because there are clearly NO good men and will NEVER BE any good men to enter your orbit, I can feel bad for you, but I can’t help you.
2. Your other false conclusion is that bitchy, demanding, high maintenance and shallow are assets in women. They are not. Men sometimes put up with those qualities because she’s beautiful, but these are all relationship-killers. If it bothers you that men would be so shallow and shortsighted, perhaps you can consider that many women do the exact same thing in reverse – put up with emotionally abusive men because of certain qualities (chemistry, charisma, money, the illusion of security) but aren’t actually happy. We can say that toxic narcissists get all the women and that nice guys should just give up, but that’s not true, is it?
3. Finally, if you want to ensure you never get out of this pit of despair, keep repeating the mantra that you’re invisible, unwanted, and a victim. You may have been these things – you may still be these things – but your future does not have to be the same as your past. This is called a growth mindset as opposed to a fixed mindset. You either have the capacity to change or you’re stuck the way you are now, for the rest of your life. As a coach, I believe in a growth mindset, which is why so many of my clients have had great success meeting great men. As to whether you choose to stay where you are and resign yourself to a life alone or take action that shifts your romantic future forever, well, that’s entirely up to you.