Does The Same Dating Advice Apply To Widowers?

I just read your book “Why He Disappeared” and really appreciated the great info. I have not “lost” the guy I’ve been dating for the past 3 months, but I need to fix some of the mistakes I was starting to make. He’s a recent widower (wife died of cancer in June 2010.) We started dating just after Labor Day. He found me on Match.com.

With the exception of 2 weekends (1 in late Sept. and 1 in Oct.) when we saw each other on Saturday and Sunday (but no sleepover) we have only seen each other once a week. We live about an hour and 1/2 apart and he has a very high level job and a big house to take care of (and a dog.) There has been no sex yet but lots of “foreplay.” He says he always waits to have sex until he’s more sure of the woman.

I want to see more of him at this point (3 months,) especially on Saturday nights. I made that need known last weekend in a calm, rational way. In your book, you said that if a guy isn’t seeing you more than once a week by the 3 months point, he probably isn’t interested in a serious relationship. My question is this – does this apply to widowers as well or is it fair to give him a little more time and just get busy with other things so I don’t put pressure on him? He says he has always taken it slow in dating and this is nothing new. I want to be sure that I am getting my needs met and that I’m not just a “rebound” for him. What’s your advice? Karen

Dear Karen,

One thing I know about widowers, followed by two things I know about men.

Widowers are QUICK to rebound, to a point of being unseemly. The guy’s been married for 30 years, his wife dies in June and he started dating online 2 months later? My mom didn’t even think of meeting another man until about 3 years after my father passed away.

Widowers are QUICK to rebound, to a point of being unseemly.

But this is the norm for widowers —for one of two reasons: either the marriage itself wasn’t that healthy and he was immediately ready to move on, OR, like men of a certain age, he put everything had into his marriage and nothing into any other relationships. So when a woman survives her husband, she’s got a circle of friends from the neighborhood, from work, from her card game, from her book club, from her salsa classes. You know what a widower’s left with when his wife dies? His job.

A man’s inability to survive without a woman is a big explanation why a widower is often a very hot ticket on the open market — he’s LOOKING to be married again. Factor in the dearth of older men — there are literally 3 times more single women over the age of 65 — and, well, a decent looking widower doesn’t stay available for very long.

Next, something I know (and have stated repeatedly) about men — of all ages: We do what we want. We don’t do what we don’t want. Which means that even if many widowers throw themselves into new relationships because of their tremendous loneliness, THIS one seems to be functioning more like your basic super-successful middle-aged man. High-powered job. Big house. Dog. No mention of kids. Regardless, he dictates the terms of the relationship based on HIS needs and schedule. If you’re cool with it, it works. If you’re not cool with it, it doesn’t work.

How could you be anything BUT a rebound following a long-term marriage?

…But, at a certain point, a man has to step up and give you a reasonable amount of attention and comfort.

To be very clear, you ARE a rebound, Karen. How could you be anything BUT a rebound following a long-term marriage? As such, you are presumably the first woman he’s been with for many years. To his credit, he’s taking things slow, to avoid diving into another serious relationship that he may end up regretting. But, at a certain point, a man has to step up and give you a reasonable amount of attention and comfort. And if he fails, he risks losing the woman he cares about.

You can give him an extra-wide berth because he’s newly single, but be forewarned: a man who is newly single (and is keeping a little distance) is probably going to want to get a greater sampling of what’s available instead of diving right back into commitment. If he were lonely and desperate to get married, I’d feel better about your chances, but he’s not.

Give him another month to try harder and if he fails, walk away. He’ll probably let you go and resume his new life on Match.com.