Am I Crazy For Falling In Love With A Rockstar?

Evan, I’m one of those smart, career-oriented, busy women. I manage a band, and I’m starting my masters in music business, so a heavy work load and living on the road with five guys for weeks at a time can put a damper on an unfolding relationship, but I don’t mind. I love what I do, and I’m lucky enough to be business oriented with the opportunity to live in the moment. Plus, romantically, I’m a sucker for musicians.

Five months ago the keyboard player was going to move in with me and my boyfriend. The boyfriend… well, he went to jail. It ended badly. Keyboard player and I ended up crashing with friends. I had school payments so I decided to “go with it” until I could get back on my feet. We spent a solid month roughing it, side by side. We were the best of friends. We talked for hours, cooked extravagant meals, and slept on our respective cots… or couches… or floor mats. We’d even help each other pick people up. It was great fun, he’s the best companion ever! Then we got drunk and hooked up. And, unlike most stories that contain that phrase, things got even better.

He said he’d been forcing himself to hold back because I manage his band, but I was too smart/attractive/fun and he couldn’t take it anymore. We agreed to call off our trysts if we became too attached or started to get jealous. Now we’re both stable again and things are confusingly wonderful. We date other people openly. We harshly make fun of one another’s dates and always take each other’s advice when it comes to ditching someone who isn’t good for us. The band’s doing better than ever. He and I are quite the intimidating creative team. So here’s my question: WHAT am I supposed to make of this?

I’m not the kind of person who needs to be affirmed by my relationships, and it seems that the strong boundaries of our “relationship” work so well because they are elusive and undefined, no mess no fuss. The analytical side of me says this feels too good to be true. Hot rockstar, the most intelligent and stable male I know, doesn’t pressure me to hook up and becomes my best friend instead. We still talk for hours every day, have incredible sex, and instead of harming each others careers like we feared, we’re actually making each others lives better. We have a million things in common, and he reads me so completely. He changes his tone of voice or his touch to suit my mood, and always addresses when I’m upset… Then I have to go play babysitter to the barely legal girls with backstage passes throwing their panties onstage, and instead of getting upset, I think: yeah, he’s awesome. I’m proud of him.

Am I completely insane for falling in love with this guy? And am I misreading his behavior?

–Kristen

You’re not crazy… The only thing you’re doing is playing Russian roulette with your heart.

Kristen,

You’re not crazy.

You’re not misreading his behavior.

You’re not wrong to have strong feelings for this guy.

The only thing you’re doing is playing Russian roulette with your heart.

And that game somehow never seems to end happily.

Here’s a parallel I want to make for you in terms of low-percentage dating opportunities.

A client in Chicago will say to me that she’s really excited about this man in Colorado. They’ve been emailing, chatting on the phone and she thinks she’s falling in love.

Got it.

Without knowing her well, or him at all, what I do know is this:

You probably end up meeting one out of every 10 people you email on a dating site.

You may only really like one out of every 10 people you meet in person.

But that guy is ALSO emailing 10 people and may only like 1/10^th of them.

And that guy has to be equally enthusiastic about you as you are about him.

And that guy has to be emotionally available and ready for a committed relationship.

And that guy has to be willing to put in a ton of energy to get things off the ground, flying back and forth, sacrificing his local social life, and putting his eggs in your basket, before deciding who will ultimately move to be near the other person.

In other words, if online dating has a low percentage of success, dating has a lower percentage of success, relationships have even a LOWER percentage of success, and long-distance relationships have the LOWEST percentage of success…

Which brings me to my next thought: Tony Parker and Eva Longoria. Someone I know expresses surprise that this couple didn’t have what it took to make it in the long run.

Surprise?

• He’s French.
• He was 22 when he met her. 25 when he married her.
• He travels for half the year due to his work. So does she.
• Both are highly desired by members of the opposite sex and face constant temptation from fans.
• Oh, and by the nature of the majority of people who perform for a living, both are likely inclined to be a little selfish, a little narcissistic, and a little driven by the need for more, more, more.

Viewed through that light, the demise of their relationship (and ANY Hollywood relationship, for that matter) is about the most predictable thing in the world.

So now let’s get back to you and your heretofore perfect relationship.

Long-distance relationships have the LOWEST percentage of success…

He’s in a band.

He travels a lot.

He’s willing to sleep with his (jailed) friend’s girlfriend.

He continues to sleep with groupies.

On the plus side, he’s a good guy who treats you well — and why not? You don’t demand any fidelity from him. He gets to have his cake and eat it, too. Why would he rock the boat at all?

You think he’s too good to be true? YOU’RE too good to be true.

You’re the girlfriend who doesn’t ask him to stop sleeping around!

But once you decide that the backstage groupie shenanigans are no longer appropriate, you’ll see the dark side of dating a rock star, a basketball player, a politician, a CEO.

And as long as you’re willing to do that for your whole life, you can probably have a great “relationship” with your rock star. You just won’t have him all to yourself.

But once you decide that the backstage groupie shenanigans are no longer appropriate, you’ll see the dark side of dating a rock star, a basketball player, a politician, a CEO.

These guys are hunters and they’re not gonna stop. And why should they if they can get away with it?

So the choice is yours. I’m not going to tell you to not date a man for whom you have strong feelings.

I’ll just let you know that if I were a betting man, I wouldn’t expect to see your name in the New York Times wedding announcements any time soon.