I’m in a Relationship With a Great Guy Who Just Won’t Change. What Should I Do?

I’ve been in a relationship with a really great guy for over a year. He’s warm, thoughtful, considerate, loving, and completely accepting. But there is one problem, he overthinks everything and often tells me he’s “getting ready” to do something, though I’ll never see action of what it is he’s getting ready to do.

For example:  He lost his job in August due to the company closing. Since that time, he’s put in applications and turned down job offers because the pay wasn’t in line with what he thinks he’s worth. He knows he needs to have more income than what unemployment offers, though due to his lack of bills he can actually live on unemployment alone, he just will not get ahead. And for the last three weeks, he’s been “getting ready” to put in more applications anywhere in order to work; although, once again, no action has been taken to do this nor can he tell me when he thinks he might do it.

This happens in many areas, not just with his job, but I should add that he can make decisions. It doesn’t take him three hours to decide where to have dinner. But the big decisions, like his job, or school, or where to live, he will seem paralyzed by and spend what I personally consider an inordinate amount of time contemplating before moving forward.

I really enjoy him, and there are so many good points, but this prolonged process of “getting ready” to do things wears on me. I wonder if this is something I should just learn to deal with? Am I being unreasonable or expecting someone to be too much like me? Or should I expect more?

Shari

Dear Shari,

You’re screwed.

It’s the unfortunate and immutable truth about people. THEY DON’T CHANGE, no matter how much you want it, no matter how much it would be good for them.

Wait, I should rephrase that.

If you’re looking for a man who will make the big decisions in a manner that satisfies you, then keep looking. Your boyfriend has given you an important glimpse into his soul, and you are right to be alarmed by the way he’s handling this situation.

This doesn’t negate his many good qualities. Just read this blog every week and you’ll know how lucky you are to have found a guy who is warm, thoughtful, considerate, loving and accepting. But a person who is always “getting ready” will never stop “getting ready”. It’s the unfortunate and immutable truth about people. THEY DON’T CHANGE, no matter how much you want it, no matter how much it would be good for them.

Look around. You’ll see. Overweight people making New Years Resolutions to slim down, only to lapse back into old comfortable habits. Why? Because they would rather eat things that taste good and watch TV than consume bland salads and use the treadmill for 45 minutes a day. As a result of this decision, they will never, ever, ever lose weight. This doesn’t mean that they are bad people or stupid people or weak people. It just means that they’re people. And people do what they want, presuming there’s nothing stopping them from doing so.

Take a man who has dated a woman for three months without committing to her. Is he indecisive? Is he scared? Is he confused? No! He just doesn’t want her as a girlfriend. If he did, he would say, “I want you to be my girlfriend.” It’s no more complex than that. He has no incentive to change, so he doesn’t change. This explains pretty much all behavior.

I was a Hollywood screenwriter during my twenties. And although I didn’t make it beyond a few freelance jobs, awards, and random accolades, I knew that I was, in fact, a real writer. Why? Because I WROTE prolifically. 15 sitcoms and 13 screenplays in 10 years. My philosophy was that if I failed, it certainly wasn’t going to be because I didn’t try hard enough. Contrast that with other writers I knew, some of whom tinkered with their work for years, and still never completed a first draft. We could make the argument that they were perfectionists, that they were picky, that they were afraid of rejection, but none of that matters. By not finishing any screenplays, they were making their dream of writing for a living completely impossible. And they have no one to blame but themselves.

Your boyfriend is a writer who doesn’t write. A fat person who won’t lose weight. He would rather passively continue on his wayward path than get tough and affect a real change. And yet, if you express anything but abject support for him, you will be perceived as cold or selfish. Don’t get me wrong: losing a job is rough. It beats up on a man’s ego like nothing else in the world. But it’s within his power to do something different, and his paralysis is just a mechanism that justifies his laziness.

He has no incentive to change, so he doesn’t change. This explains pretty much all behavior.

So understand, I couldn’t be more sympathetic to you. I’m a believer in change, a believer in action. I think that your boyfriend would be ashamed if he ever read an Ayn Rand book because it would illustrate his very insignificance as a contributor to the planet. But I also have to point out that his passive nature goes hand in hand with his other good qualities – loving, accepting, considerate, etc.

To parallel this with my own life: I am far more Type A than my wife, who has spent the past 14 years at the same company, and literally spent three weeks going through 5000 songs on my iPod just to choose a wedding song. Does her deliberate and conservative nature drive me a little nuts at times? Sure. However, I’ve never been more loved and accepted by anyone in the world – and that became more important than a having a partner who was identical to me.

As a woman who may be counting on her man to provide a measure of financial security, I couldn’t tell you whether it’s smart to stick with this guy. But I will say this: your boyfriend is not going to change. Not for you. Not for him. Not for anyone. This is who he is. You just have to ask yourself how you’d feel if you were married, had two kids, and a mortgage, and he still refused to get a job.

I think your course of action, at that point, would be crystal clear.