What’s the Best Way to Discuss His Impotence?

Taking heed of the consequences of the hook-up culture, I have been a “good” girl even though that has been difficult. The man I am attracted to was the stronger one in this situation, and I appreciated his keeping me from making a mistake. I’m 57, and he is 55. We have been seeing each other for four months without sex, and I now realize why he has been the stronger one — he is impotent. He has not told me, but when we cuddle, one would think there would be some evidence of “happiness” at some point, and I can reflect back on the meaning of statements made early in our relationship that make more sense now.

As I get more sensual in our relationship, I can feel he is pulling away. I get that he is afraid of being vulnerable, and I want him to know that I realize what his issue is and that intercourse isn’t all there is. I want him to know he can trust me with his vulnerability. At the end of an awesome day together, I’d like to show him what it has meant to me. I value his place in my life, and I am concerned that calling him out on his impotency would cause loss of even his friendship.

We met on Match and his profile stated he wanted a woman who could leave her comfort zone sometimes. I certainly can, but I think he can’t. How can I approach this? This is tough for me, but I can’t imagine how much more difficult it is for him.

Deb

Before we talk about impotence — which I’m really looking forward to, by the way – I have to ask about one thing: four months without sex?

Just because I’ve talked about the potential downsides of hookup culture and the benefits of sexclusivity does NOT mean I encourage 57-year-old women to cuddle for 4 months.

Labels matter, because the kind of trust and foundation you have with a boyfriend is very different than the one with the “guy you’re seeing.

I know that’s not what you’re asking but I want to clarify for all of our other readers: the idea espoused in Why He Disappeared and Love U is to wait until he’s your committed boyfriend before having sex. That can happen after three weeks or six weeks or eight weeks, but if your guy hasn’t committed to you by then, you should probably cut him loose.

So even though you didn’t say it, Deb, I’m going to assume that this man is not “a guy you’re seeing,” but rather, your boyfriend. Labels matter, because the kind of trust and foundation you have with a boyfriend is very different than the one with the “guy you’re seeing.”

And if this is your boyfriend and he has an impotence problem, that is something that is definitely worth discussing. I appreciate your sensitivity towards him. I get that you don’t want to make him feel even more self-conscious. I also come from a belief system — unlike many other families — in which communication is encouraged and problems aren’t swept under the rug as if they don’t exist.

There is one big (or more likely, average-sized) problem in the room, and you’ve got two middle-aged people who are starting to care about each other but not acknowledging reality. As a reality-based dating coach who was born without filters, I may not be the best person to turn to because my answer is so predictable: tell him what you told me:

The next time you’re in bed and “snuggling,” say this to him from the heart. It’s honest, it’s caring, and the right guy will be very appreciative that you handled it this way.

As I get more sensual in our relationship, I can feel you pulling away. I get that you are afraid of being vulnerable, and I want you to know that I realize what your issue is and that intercourse isn’t all there is. I want you to know you can trust me with your vulnerability. At the end of an awesome day together, I’d like to show you what it has meant to me. I value your place in my life, and I am concerned that calling you out on your impotency would cause loss of even your friendship.

This is tough for me, but I can’t imagine how much more difficult it is for you.

I just changed all the mentions of the word “him” to the word “you.”

The next time you’re in bed and “snuggling,” say this to him from the heart. It’s honest, it’s caring, and the right guy will be very appreciative that you handled it this way. If he is not, then he is the wrong guy for you — not because of his erectile dysfunction, but because of his lack of communication skills. Good luck.