A Reader Stops Chasing the Blistering Inferno of Lust…And Finds Love!

Hi Evan,

  I don’t know if you actually have time to read all the emails you get, but I really hope you read this one. I found your site about 8 months ago or so when I was dating my ex.  I signed up for your blog and read the advice you dish with every email. There have been 2 lately that have really just cleared something up for me that nobody else seemed to understand.

I just needed someone to tell me that 1) that blistering inferno will burn you and fizzle out (I may be ad-libbing here) and 2) long term attraction and commitment is different than short term attractions and commitment and there is scientific data to support that.

  My ex and I broke up, it was a long, drug out, very emotional break up for the both of us.   I fell in love with this guy very quickly, and it crashed and burned.  So by the time we broke up, I was pretty much at peace with the idea of needing to move on, and felt pretty over him. I went back on Match, and dated several guys, and one stuck.   We are still dating today. We don’t have any of the issues my ex and I had, and the relationship is amazing, the guy is amazing.   Well, about 2 months into my new relationship (2 months after my ex and  I broke up) my ex came back. He wanted to get back together, and I was torn.

  My new boyfriend is amazing, he really is, but I don’t have that rush for him like I did with my ex. That was causing me sincere pause. I thought that if things were meant to be with my new guy my feelings would have been as strong for him as they were for my ex. Even though I know that things would never be long term with my ex  as I believe  they could be with my new boyfriend. This caused me quite a bit of pain.  I felt horrible, like I was going to hurt them both. I talked to so many people, and NOBODY could give me advice.   I had  condensed my agony into this little question that no-one could answer… do you go with the guy who is a 10 on the spark scale (more inferno-ish, more than a 10) and a 7 (on a good day) on the compatibility scale or the guy who is a 7 on the spark scale (attracted but not overwhelmingly so) but a 9.5 on the compatibility scale?   No-one could answer that!!

  I was so happy to get your email about the gal who met her boyfriend on line and really cares a good deal for him, but is not attracted to him, and then this email about brain chemistry. You answered my question!! Thank you!   I just needed someone to tell me that 1) that blistering inferno will burn you and fizzle out (I may be ad-libbing here) and 2) long term attraction and commitment is different than short term attractions and commitment and there is scientific data to support that.

  That they are not the same, and (this was the part that cleared it all up for me) “… if you spend your whole life chasing that “feeling”, you’re likely to end up in a series of short-term relationships that end in heartbreak.”

I was chasing that feeling.

Thank you. Now I just have to find a way  to tell my ex good-bye, for good (which is hard to do, especially when you want that feeling back!)   Any advice on that? 🙂

Thanks again,
M