I’m 40 And Want To Date Men 8 Years Younger. Am I Being Unrealistic?

First of all, I would like to thank you for all the invaluable help you give us with men and how to find love. I read your blog religiously and I’ve bought several of your books.

I know you’ve already talked about age in your blog, specifically how people, both men and women, prefer to date younger and how the divorce rate goes up when there is a relevant age difference in the couple.

This is my dilemma. I’m a slim, attractive 40-year-old. People usually think I’m 35. Unfortunately, I live in a rural area in Italy, so online dating is not too popular over here. I have a nice personality and don’t usually have problems getting dates but the dating pool itself is limited because of my location. I’d love to have lots of men my age to date but that’s not really an option. 

That’s why I’m also open to date men in their 30s (my top age limit is 50) but how young is too young? Is 32 as my minimum age limit too low? I recently met three lovely 32-year-olds who were looking for something serious and seemed really into me. I ended up dating one of them for a few months and couldn’t feel the age difference at all. (It didn’t work out for unrelated reasons.) 

Should I give a guy who is 7/8 years younger than me a shot? 

Am I being unrealistic, considering he could easily choose a 27-year-old girl for a serious relationship? I know not all men are the same and on the one hand I find myself thinking “it only takes one” but on the other hand I know that statistically speaking men prefer dating younger women. I’m trying to keep my options as open as possible but I also don’t want to waste my time or set myself up for heartbreak.

Since it’s probably relevant, I would have loved to have children but at my age I’m aware that men who really want them only date younger women, so I’ve made my peace with that. The three 32-year-olds didn’t want children or were fine either way.

Thank you for your attention and support.
Love,
-Stefania

I have a philosophy: control what you can, let go of the rest.

Control what you can, let go of the rest.

Most of us spend a lot of time railing against reality. 

It’s COLD in winter. It’s HOT in summer. There’s TRAFFIC at rush hour. And, in my world, “MEN aren’t good enough and don’t act the way I want them to.” And it’s true. It’s cold in winter, it’s hot in summer, there’s traffic at rush hour, and most men aren’t good enough and don’t act the way you want.

Given all of that, what IS within your control?

When I take on Love U Masters clients, we go through everything you can possibly control and try to make minor tweaks where possible.

If you’re complaining about your area, could you move to another area? If you can’t move to another area, let’s make the best of dating in your area. There’s not much else to do.

If your issue is your age, you can expand your age range from 32-50, like you have. 

The general results will be predictable.

• The older men will feel that you’re more of a prize because you’re 10 years younger.
• The older men will also be more prone to lying about their ages, in order to attract a younger woman, so you’ll get a lot of emails from men who look 50-60.
• The younger men – whose search criteria, if they want to have kids, will usually hover between 25-35 – may show interest because you describe yourself as attractive.

But that doesn’t mean that you’re exactly what they’re looking for in the future; you could be just a good way to pass the time right now. 

And just because they SAY they’re serious doesn’t mean they are – even if they THINK they are.

I speak from experience.

When I was 31, I remember writing to a 34-year-old woman who wouldn’t give me the time of day because she felt I was too young. I remember being pissed at her rules.

When I was 32, I dated a woman who just turned 38 and fell deeply in love within a few months. Yet the entire time I was with her, I was internally panicked. If I was going to be with her, I would have to get married and start on children FAST. And as a young guy first starting out with his own business, I did NOT feel ready to settle down – even though that was my ultimate goal. It was a blessing that she broke up with me. 

When I was 34, I was still looking for women 27-34 online (so I could theoretically have two children), but after 300 dates, I wasn’t having much luck with my own picker. I met a divorced 37-year-old woman at a party. 16 months later we were engaged. 22 months in, we got married and immediately started trying for kids. 2 miscarriages, 2 chemical pregnancies and a fibroid surgery later, my wife delivered my daughter (at 41) and son (two months before 43). We had no help from doctors. We got VERY lucky.

I share all this not because my story is every man’s story. It’s not. 

But it does illustrate one important idea:

Just because a guy is interested in you (or in love with you) doesn’t mean he’s ready for marriage/kids in an accelerated time span. As long as he can ignore your reality, he’s fine. Once it becomes real, he may choose to exit, at which point, you may have invested a year and a half and have no husband or baby to show for it.

There are exceptions to this – just as there are exceptions to EVERY rule. But there’s a reason you don’t see many 40-year-old women with 32-year-old men – not because it can never happen. (It can! I tried it myself!) But because even good people have to be in the exact same emotional place at the exact same time to make a relationship work. 

And, in general, the divorced guy who wants to get family life right is more likely to settle down more quickly than the 32-year-old. That young man may want the same thing in the long run, but at this moment – even unbeknownst to himself – he may not be ready to stop sowing his oats and building his career or ready to start staying in and diapering babies.

If my job is to provide information and manage your risk, I’m generally leaning towards the single dad population over the cute millennials who tell you exactly what you want to hear.