My Boyfriend Doesn’t Want to Have Sex With Me!

Hi Evan,

What about when a guy DOESN’T want to sleep with you?

I had been dating a guy I met from an online dating site for a little over a month. We were really good together, had a lot in common, had a blast anytime we were together. The second night he stayed over, he asked if we could sleep together. I was hesitant about it, since before that all we had done was kiss. So he apologized for asking and said he wanted me to: “make him wait.” The next time he stayed over, I said I didn’t want to wait anymore (hey, I’m only human!) but he said he still thought we should wait… He said how most of his relationships had been purely physical, and he didn’t want that for us.

He ended up staying over a couple of more nights, but we never slept together.

As much as I would like to believe he wanted to wait because he really liked me, that theory was thrown out the door when a couple of weeks ago he pulled a 180 and quit returning my calls and texts for 3 days. And then TEXTED me finally to say he wasn’t “ready for a relationship.” But that’s a whole other story…

Melissa

I can hear your frustration, Melissa, but I gotta tell you: I LOVE receiving role-reversing letters like this.

Women who complain that men are too clingy, men who get upset when women don’t call them after sex, women who make more money than men.

Up next: Men who don’t want sex.

I’m sorry. This isn’t a silly matter at all. What it instantly brought to mind, actually, was a plot line on the old HBO series “Tell Me You Love Me”. There’s a married couple on the show that hasn’t had sex in a year. You’re an individual who hasn’t slept with a guy in a month.

Okay, so they’re not that similar.

You didn’t really ask me a question, Melissa, so it’s hard to give an answer. But I will give you my opinion, which, not surprisingly, might challenge yours.

I think the guy did the right thing.

I think you should be thanking him.

I think it would have been a lot worse had he slept with you and stopped returning your calls.

It would have been a lot worse had he slept with you and stopped returning your calls.

Sure, his breakup skills could probably use a bit of polish, but really, this guy acted with total integrity. Unlike every jackass wanting sex with a woman he had no intention of committing to, this guy refused to do so.

So apart from blowing you off by text message, how has he done anything wrong?

If sleeping with you and not calling means we’re jerks, and NOT sleeping with you and not calling means we’re jerks, what are we supposed to do until we figure out how we feel?

I dated someone and it took two and a half months before we had sex. Why? Because I wasn’t sure that I wanted her to be my girlfriend, and I didn’t want to hurt her by sleeping with her and bailing. I’m not saying guys like me deserve a medal, but wouldn’t you say that there’s something conscientious about waiting?…

I’ve had a couple of people tell me that this is a patronizing attitude.

“I’m a big girl. I can handle having sex without commitment.”

Yes, you can.

Sometimes.

Other times you think you can and are hurt when it doesn’t work out.

So if a guy recognizes that most early relationships DON’T work out and decides to hold off on sex, he’s being SELFISH?

Doesn’t sound like guys can really win here.

If sleeping with you and not calling means we’re jerks, and NOT sleeping with you and not calling means we’re jerks, what are we supposed to do until we figure out how we feel?

My guess, Melissa, is that he did like you, he didn’t want to go too fast and potentially lose respect, and then, after a few more dates, concluded that you weren’t a good fit.

As I said, he could have handled the breakup quite a bit better, but I’m not sure how he could have handled the sex part with any more tact.