Why Would a Guy Act Like He Likes Me if He Doesn’t Want to Take Me Out Again?

Hi Evan.

I’m 30 years old, European, attractive, tall girl. I have a strange situation. The same scenario happened to me at least 5 times in the last few months. I go on a first date and I can tell for sure that a guy is interested in me. He invites me for drinks after we had dinner and he makes plans for our future dates by saying “I should take you to this great restaurant or we should go to see this play…” And then I never hear back from him. My guy friends say that I just intimidate men or that I just meet the wrong guys and all they want is just sex. What do you think?

Thanks,

Alena

Thanks for the transcontinental note, Alena. Although I’ve answered this question before, it’s still a timeless one.

You have fallen victim to the most common mistake women make in dating. It’s the hardest message to hear, so please don’t shoot the messenger.

Mistake #10: Thinking That Your Great Date Actually Meant Something

Have you ever had a man say how much he likes you, how sexy you are, and how he’s serious about finding a long-term relationship? Ever have an amazing date where the chemistry was great, the conversation flowed, and you hooked up with him afterwards?

Have you ever had a man do all of these things and then NOT call?

No, you’re not crazy or delusional.

Your mistake is thinking that what a man says on a date actually means something. It doesn’t. It means he’s being in the moment. So don’t put too much weight on a great date. The only way you can tell how a man REALLY feels about you is by how quickly he follows up for another date.

I walked her to her car and we made out for ten minutes, standing on the street. I never heard from her again.  

One of the first JDates I ever went on was back in probably 1999. She was a doctor, went to Harvard, came from a similar East Coast family. We went out for drinks at a local hotel bar and stayed out until the place closed at 2. I walked her to her car and we made out for ten minutes, standing on the street.

I never heard from her again.

What does this MEAN?

Nothing. Absolutely nothing….

It means that you have no idea what’s going through the head of your date and you’re never going to have an idea what’s going through the head of your date, so stop trying to figure out what’s going through the head of your date.

Maybe he had a better date the next night.

Maybe he got slammed at work.

Maybe he started talking with his ex-girlfriend.

Maybe you were the one-night rebound girl.

Maybe he had too much alcohol and kissed you even though he wasn’t that attracted to you.

Maybe he just wanted sex.

Maybe he was intimidated.

It doesn’t matter. The end result is the same: if he wanted to see you again, he’d have seen you again. Since he didn’t, lick your wounds and move on. This is the dating process. People come and go, and they usually don’t leave hand-written letters explaining their motives. And while you can complain (and many readers have), it doesn’t make a bit of a difference.

True power DOESN’T come from saying, “Men SHOULD call after a great first date”. True power comes from saying, “Men sometimes DON’T call after great first date. How am I going to adapt to that fact?”

True power DOESN’T come from saying, “Men SHOULD call after a great first date”. True power comes from saying, “Men sometimes DON’T call after great first date. How am I going to adapt to that fact?”

And to me, the healthiest way to deal with it is to accept the concept that dating is a flawed medium fraught with emotions, baggage, luck and timing, all of which conspire to prevent two people from coming together. Instead of getting upset and placing blame, your best move is to literally expect NOTHING from ANYONE until you’re in a COMMITTED relationship. Everything before that, both parties are still feeling each other out, considering other options, making decisions, and holding back a little something. So why let down your guard and take a metaphorical kick in the stomach every time you have a good date?

Next time you have a fun date, be happy if he does call, and not terribly surprised or hurt if he doesn’t. And if you need a dating coach,  give me a buzz. This is one of the most important and impactful ways in which I help my women clients learn to date more effectively.