Am I Too Cold For Love?

Hi Evan. I am 26 years old, born in the U.S. but my family are Arabic. (The ethnicity disclosure is relevant to my question). I have been in an arranged marriage once but divorced a year later… In my arranged marriage, my husband loved me to death but I divorced him because I felt he wasn’t good enough for me. He loved me but that’s about it. He wasn’t educated, he didn’t have a job, and I realized I would be the bread maker. Before you ask why I married him, I was 17 years old and my father arranged it so… it was out of my hands.

I am currently in a 5 year on/off relationship. In my current relationship the roles have reversed and I am the one that loves him more and invests more. I realize what it’s like to be in a relationship where you love the other more and it SUCKS! I almost wish I could go back to what I had… but my problem now is that I have become so emotionally detached from everyone!

I don’t know why or how but I just feel like I don’t care anymore. My heart is numb, cold. I don’t want love anymore. I’d rather be a loner and happy. I used to be very empathetic but now I’m more like the ice queen. Even when friends tell me things I just am not emotionally there anymore! And I realize this… but I can’t FORCE myself to feel again.

PLEASE HELP!!! What am I supposed to do? Am I too cold to ever genuinely love again? —Amena

Amena,

Thank you for reaching out. My response to you is going to be short and sweet.

Why, pray tell, would you want to be in a relationship that SUCKS?

First, break up with your on-gain/off-again guy NOW. I don’t need to know any more about the relationship to realize that it’s doomed.

Not only are on-again/off-again relationships more likely to result in divorce, but, according to you, this relationship SUCKS.

Why, pray tell, would you want to be in a relationship that SUCKS?

That’s right. You wouldn’t. You’ve just been so beaten down that you’ve accepted this as normal.

It’s not normal.

In fact, I’d like to share a term called “the normalization of deviance”. The normalization of deviance occurs when something is messed up, but has been messed up for so long that we accept it as normal.

Any kind of verbal or physical abuse is abnormal. That much you know. But you know what else is abnormal? Being UNHAPPILY in love. People stay in miserable relationships for years — even lifetimes — and they accept it as normal. It’s not. Get out.

Once you see what your life will be like without this albatross of a man, you will not spend one second looking back.

This alone will change your entire life and outlook on things. You’re cold because you have a boyfriend who makes you that way. Once he is out of the picture — and I mean OUT of the picture — no calls, texts, emails or Facebook — you will have the weight of the world lifted off your shoulders. It’s called “addition by subtraction”. Once you get rid of the man who is the main source of your negativity, you will instantly start to feel better. You’ll be happier at work. You’ll spend more time with your friends. You’ll finally be free after five years of emotional oppression.

Of course, you’re going to need some time to heal. So get thee to a therapist ASAP so you can work out why you were willing to accept a relationship with a man who was not equally invested in you.

And finally, join FOCUS Coaching, where you can get the support of hundreds of other smart, strong, successful women around the world on your journey to love. It’s not meant to happen tomorrow. But once you see what your life will be like without this albatross of a man, you will not spend one second looking back.

I promise.