How Do I Get My 12-Year FWB to Want to Be in a Committed Relationship?
- Confidence, Letting Go, Take Action
There was a time in my life when all I wanted was a boy toy. I had an exceptional career with a lot of pressure that took up a lot of my time. Still during that period I wanted sex, what I didn’t want was all the work and time a relationship consumes.
During that time, I met a delightful man that is 9 years my junior and was a perfect lover. He was always a gentleman, and always very passionate and completely satisfying. We have been seeing each other for over 12 years. We get together about once a month although lately it has been a little less than that. Our times together are always well prepared for and we make them an occasion. I always dress well, bring something sexy for later. He loves to cook and so always prepares a wonderful meal. We have wine and drinks after and of course lots of flirting and great conversation. I have attributed the decline in our frequency to our ages. He was 40 when we first got together and I was 48. During that time we have dated others. Also during that time I have gotten to know him and we have become sort of friends.
I have now reached a stage in my life where I’m retired from the high-pressure job, relaxed in my lifestyle and while I have dated others I have not found anyone as satisfying sexually as he is. I also haven’t found a man I like and respect as a person as much as I do him. I have reached a point in my life where I would like a more interactive and committed relationship. Something beyond the “date night boyfriend experience” thing.
The point of all that is this, how can I take this to the next level without ruining what is already there that I really enjoy? I also wonder if there is anything on his side of the fence as far as feelings go. I need a man’s perspective on this from someone that doesn’t know me and wants to tell me what I want to hear.
Thank you for responding in advance.
Eve
I’m not sure I’ve ever told anyone what she wanted to hear, so you came to the right place, Eve.
I believe you’re shit-out-of-luck.
I believe that, over TWELVE YEARS, this man has established exactly the kind of relationship he wants to have with you — one where you get together for sex less than once per month.
I believe you’re shit-out-of-luck.
I believe that you’re misattributing the decline in your contact to age, because it’s easier to handle than the obvious alternative: that cooking you dinner in exchange for sex once every six weeks is the perfect amount of emotional investment he wants to make in you.
I believe that the fact that you can say, as a sixty-year-old woman, after over a decade of sex with the same man, “we have become sort of friends,” indicates a willful blindness, a sort of wishful thinking about the depth of your relationship. If you haven’t become friends in twelve years and you’re seeing each other less, what makes you think this partnership is due for an upswing in intensity?
I believe that you’re lonely and don’t know what real love is all about — which is the only reason you would accept this relationship for as long as you did on these terms and think that because he’s sexually satisfying that he’d be a good committed partner for you.
You know what makes for a good committed partner? A man who wants to COMMIT to you.
This man has given no indication that he wants to do that.
So what we have here is a disconnect of epic proportions. Let’s use a metaphor to drive this home:
You know what makes for a good committed partner? A man who wants to COMMIT to you.
You were hired to do one job — that of a part-time intern who comes into the office once a month.
After twelve years at this company, you want to renegotiate your terms – and not just renegotiate, but take the leap from part-time intern to co-owner.
Let’s just say there’s nothing wrong with asking for a promotion, but I wouldn’t count on it happening.
Your best bet?
Cut this guy off and start dating in earnest instead of mistaking your booty call for your husband.
Was that honest enough?
Evan
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