How Do I Break Up Without Hurting Him?

Hi Evan,

I did a search on “why men fall in love with me so quickly” to try to figure out what I’m doing wrong. I found that the question was based on the fact that the girl was “very attractive.” Well, it happens to me all the time and I’m not that attractive! I’ve been told that I’m beautiful and sexy, but I think I’m just an average girl.. Anyway, men – even on the internet – fall in love with me. I know I’m a pleaser. My mother was narcissistic. I’m working on all that. Recently single (10 months,) I vowed that I was going to spend time on my own. I thought I could maybe date and have fun. But this isn’t the case.

I’m kind and tend to be very complimentary. But I’ve been paying close attention to what I say. I compliment women the same way! Women tend to appreciate it…men fall in love with me. It’s difficult for me not to look for the good in people and tell them about it. I rarely tell anyone the bad about themselves… I don’t see the point in hurting people that way! (Most people know their problems and don’t need their noses rubbed in it.) Not too many people see their good points. I know this because I’m like that: I see all the negatives in myself. Anyway, I have difficulty with hurting people, and when they hurt, I hurt too. So breaking up with a guy is a long and painful process. I have to find the nerve and when I do, it’s so gentle that he’s confused about what I’m trying to say!

I recently broke up with a very nice man. There was no spark and I really, truly wanted to remain friends, but he says he loves me and now can’t eat or sleep. My girl friend says that he’s using sympathy to try to change my mind. You’ve no idea how often I cry when I hear his messages! I finally told him that I didn’t feel a spark at the beginning. He said to give it a bit more time. I relented but still no spark. I just feel like I make a mess of things. We only dated for a couple of months. My ex, who I was with for 10 years, same thing. I know if I called him right now, he’d take me back!

I’m very interested in your opinion.

Thank you,   Sue

Dear Sue,

Thousands of women have just read your letter with their jaws dropped.

“TOO MANY MEN fall in love with her? And she’s just an AVERAGE girl?! I don’t understand. The only men I get are arrogant, selfish, commitmentphobic jerkoffs! Where does she live? Where can I find those nice, relationship-oriented men?”

They’re right in your own hometown. I promise.

Men are more about FEELINGS than looks. When men feel good, we stick around.

The difference is that Sue is a master at making men feel good, which is the central premise of “Why He Disappeared.” As I’ve previously stated, men are about FEELINGS more than looks, and if we don’t feel good with you, we’re not sticking around.

So if you’re reading this and you wish you could have Sue’s problem of too many men who fall for her, guess what? You can. Just listen to how Sue does it:

“I rarely tell anyone the bad about themselves…I don’t see the point in hurting people that way! (Most people know their problems and don’t need their noses rubbed in it.) Not too many people see their good points.”

Compliment, don’t criticize. It’s as simple as that.

However, there’s one point with which I happen to disagree with Sue. I think most people focus only on their good qualities and blind themselves to their bad qualities. Which is why so many singles hold out for the perfect mate without realizing how much someone would have to compromise to be with them.

But that’s not what your letter is about, Sue, so let me get back on track.

As I see it, your problem is two-fold and very easy to solve.

Every second you’re spending with the wrong person is a second you’re not looking for the right person.

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First of all, you’re telling yourself that you’re hurting a man by breaking up with him. Did it ever occur to you that you’re hurting him a lot worse by NOT breaking up with him? Did it occur to you that by trying to avoid your personal pain of cutting him off, you’re actually causing him MORE personal pain?

I’m sure you’re the nicest person in the world, Sue, but holding onto a dead relationship way past its expiration dead is actually a SELFISH act. It benefits YOU more than it benefits him.

When I was single, if there was one thing I did well, it was breaking up. My philosophy has always been that “every second I’m spending with the wrong woman is a second I’m not looking for the right woman.” As such, I would break most relationships off after 1-3 months. You stayed with a guy for TEN YEARS…just to be NICE?

Breaking up isn’t nearly as complicated as you’re making it, Sue. You sit him down, you tell him that you care about him, but you don’t think you have what it takes to make it in the long run, you let him vent, and you leave. It’s a sad, awkward conversation — I’ve been on both ends — but then it’s done. None of this “I’m being so gentle that he doesn’t know I’m breaking up with him” crap.

To sum up:

A. Breaking up is like gravity: swift and without explanation. The second you’re positive it’s not right is the second you should do it. You’re selfish if you let a man fall deeply for you when you know you’re going to eventually break his heart.

B. The way to make a man fall in love with you is to adore the hell out of him and shut up about the things you don’t like. It doesn’t do either party any good to offer unsolicited and unwanted criticism.

C. Chasing “a spark” is often a losing strategy. But that’s another conversation for another day.

Thanks for teaching us a few important lessons, Sue.