Is He a Good Man, But a Bad Boyfriend?

When my girlfriend dumped me in 2004, I was beyond devastated.

We’d had an incredibly passionate three-month relationship.

You know the kind.

You say “I love you” within a couple of weeks.

You’re taking vacations together within the first month.

You’re talking about plans for the future and how “you just know” that your relationship is meant to be.

You feel like you’ve known this man your whole life and can’t imagine living without him.

Yeah, those are good times.

Except those times ended as abruptly for me as they did for you.

To her credit, my girlfriend let me beg and plead and cry and generally embarrass myself for three hours at her place. It was there that I learned that:

When a genuinely good person breaks up with you, you can only question EVERYTHING.

1) She’d been thinking of breaking up with me for a month.
2) She tried very hard not to criticize me because my last girlfriend was so critical.
3) She did love me but, as she got to know me, had concerns about certain traits of mine — namely my big mouth, my anxious nature, and my up-and-down moods that came with my up-and-down new career — writing online dating profiles at E-Cyrano.

So while I was still as madly in love with her as I was the day we’d met, she was slowly pulling away. Sure, I felt a little bit of distance, but since we never really fought, I just thought that it was par for the course. Relationships, you know?

It never occurred to me that my girlfriend’s feelings about me had shifted — nor that they even COULD shift. That’s how strongly I felt about her.

That’s how blind I was.

That’s how blind you are.

Especially when your boyfriend – like my ex-girlfriend — is a genuinely good person.

When a genuinely good person breaks up with you, you can only question EVERYTHING. Because you love him so much that you think his judgment is superior to yours. Because you think that if he concluded that he doesn’t want to marry you that there’s something WRONG with you.

I’m here to tell you that there’s NOT.

There’s something wrong with your ex-boyfriend.

Is he cute? Yes.

Is he smart? Yes.

Is he kind? Yes.

Did he treat you well? Yes.

Seems like the perfect guy!

But look deeper.

The great guy who doesn’t want to be your committed boyfriend or husband is USELESS as a boyfriend or husband.

The great guy who DUMPS you because his feelings for you have faded is USELESS. Your husband’s feelings don’t fade for you.

The great guy who is “just not ready” to take the next step is USELESS as a partner. Great partners make you feel safe and secure; they’re not just keeping you around on their terms only.

The great guy who doesn’t want to be your committed boyfriend or husband is USELESS as a boyfriend or husband.

It took me a long time to realize the truth about my ex-girlfriend.

She is a great person. She was not a great GIRLFRIEND.

I gave more than she did.

I was more in love than she was.

I was willing to overlook her flaws. She wasn’t willing to overlook mine.

I would have tried to make things work. She’d rather find someone else.

What else do I need to know that this person isn’t right for me?

If you look clearly at your relationship with your ex — the good guy, not the jerk — you’ll see the same exact pattern.

A man can be a good man — smart, funny, generous, thoughtful — but not be a good boyfriend or life partner for you.

Maybe it’s because he doesn’t feel strongly enough about you.

Maybe it’s because he doesn’t know if he wants to marry you.

Maybe it’s because the timing is wrong and he’s not ready for a serious relationship.

The truth is that it doesn’t MATTER.

It’s time to stop beating yourself up over such men, because, whether you know it or not, those men could not make ANYONE happy.

They will always charm women and they will always run.

Just be glad that you’re free to find the man who does stick around.

Are you still glorifying some ex who decided he was better off without you?