I Married A Man I’m Not Attracted To. Now What?
It’s all too common to hear women say they married someone they were not initially attracted to. In some cases, the attraction may grow over time. In others, it never develops. So if you’re agonizing about whether you can spend your entire life not sexually attracted to your husband, keep reading.
No matter what anyone says: physical attraction is important. Too many people make it the most important thing, but if you find yourself actively turned off by your guy, your relationship may struggle. Naturally, there are things that drew you to him: a strong emotional connection, a best friendship, similar goals, and values.
But if you married someone you’re not physically attracted to, it’s not much consolation. Good relationships involve good sex, according to Dating Coach Evan Marc Katz. Here’s what he says about marrying someone you are not attracted to.
- Commitment, Marriage, Should I Stay With Him?
Hi Evan, I am stuck in a very tricky situation, which came in my life because of my wrong choices. I married a man to whom I am not physically attracted. I don’t like some of his facial features. For me somehow, a certain type of face seems attractive and a certain type does not. When I first started dating him, I just didn’t notice it and I liked him for being a nice guy. 2 months into our dating I realized I am just not attracted to him. 8 months after still dating him, I married him because of what my and his family members would think if I said no. My family likes him very much. As for me, he has a great body and is a genuinely nice person but because of my lack of physical attraction, I am just not in love with him. I did not marry him because of family pressure. There was none. I married him (knowing I wasn’t attracted to him) because I thought that over a period of time, I would start liking him. 3 months into our marriage and now he complains that I am not physically or emotionally close to him. I know I should have had a voice before, but what to do now? We have fights every other day over this issue and just nothing comes out of it. He is frustrated over the lack of intimacy. I am just not courageous enough to leave him and I could not say to him that I don’t love him. Can I change my mindset? Please tell me what you suggest. —Maya
Aw, Jesus, Maya.
You say so many things in your question that are easy to dissect that I don’t even know where to begin.
First of all, I’m really sorry you’re in this predicament. I’m not going to make light of the fact that you and your husband are unhappy, which is tragic. I will, however, wonder what exactly is making you tick.
“I just didn’t notice” his FACE?
I’m not even sure how this is possible, but I acknowledge that sometimes one can get into a relationship where passion is lacking. It’s more that your excuse seems to ring a little hollow.
You can prefer tall men and be open to shorter men. You can prefer dark hair and marry light hair. You can prefer small noses and fall for a man with a big nose.
“A certain type of face seems attractive”?
I get that not everyone on earth is equally good looking, but I very much want to caution you to being too attached to a “type”. You can prefer tall men and be open to shorter men. You can prefer dark hair and marry light hair. You can prefer small noses and fall for a man with a big nose.
Unless, of course, you decide that you can’t. Which would be a shame, because there’s a lot more to most people than a face.
Still, unless you were actively turned OFF by his face, I’m not sure how you got this far along in your relationship. Then again…
“2 months into our dating, I realized I am just not attracted to him.”
So you married him after 8 months to make your family happy.
Got it.
My official diagnosis, Maya, is that you’re not a bad person for dating a man with whom your attraction is questionable. People do it all the time. Some find their attraction grows when they start to love the person. Some discover that the spark isn’t enough to continue.
Your ridiculously massive mistake was MARRYING this man, even though you knew how you felt. That’s not his fault (although he was pretty foolish to propose to someone after 8 months) and it’s not your parents’ fault for loving him.
This is your fault, Maya, and only you can make it right.
Stop claiming that you’re not courageous enough to leave him. That’s a convenient excuse that you’re trotting out to avoid looking bad in front of your husband and family.
It’s not my place to tell you to make things work with this nice guy who loves you. Attraction is a very personal thing.
But since you asked me for advice, I’ll give it to you straight.
Stop claiming that you’re not courageous enough to leave him. That’s a convenient excuse that you’re trotting out to avoid looking bad in front of your husband and family.
It’s too late. You already look bad. You married a man who wants affection, you won’t give it to him, and he’s upset. Staying with him is not going to make things better.
Woman up, tell him the truth, and rip off the band aid.
And for god sakes, Maya, don’t repeat any of these mistakes with the next guy, okay?
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