Guys Just Want Casual Sex… Or Do They?

I really enjoyed this piece Salon.com, challenging the idea that guys just want sex as often as possible, and with as many women as possible.

Any time science can challenge conventional wisdom, I’m all for it.

And, to be clear, I’ve bought into the conventional wisdom as well. Part of being human means believing that lots of other people are just like you. But apparently, when I was single, I was in a minority of men who could be classified as Casanovas. Says Andrew Smiler, author of “Challenging Casanova”:

“Research typically shows about 15 percent of guys have three or more partners in any given 12-month span. If you follow those guys over time the number of guys who have three or more partners a year for as long as three years, that drops to about 5 percent. So there are definitely some guys out there who are doing it – but it’s really a small percentage of guys. By contrast, if you look at guys who are very religious, that’s about 15 percent of guys, and most of them really are devoutly religious, really dedicated to their partner. There’s way more of that than guys that are having three partners per year for three years.

Fair and interesting point. However, I do think that Smiler hasn’t necessarily considered some other factors in determining that men aren’t that sex-oriented. Namely:

50 million American men are married. They don’t do so at gunpoint.

1) There would be more men who were “Casanovas” if those men were able to BE Casanovas. In other words, I think lots of men would like to have sex with more than three women in a calendar year, but don’t have the confidence, wherewithal, opportunity or “game” to be able to do so.

2) Smiler’s definition of Casanova depends on men sleeping around for 3 consecutive years. Well, what if a guy sleeps with ten women in 2010, has a girlfriend thru all of 2011, and sleeps with 20 women in 2012? Apparently, he’s not a Casanova.

Thus, if a player ever gets a girlfriend, it negates him from being a Casanova.

So while I still very much believe in my edict that “men look for sex and find love,” Smiler echoes my sentiment that even if guys LIKE hooking up, ultimately MOST men are looking for one partner.

“When we interview adolescents or undergrads, the girls really have the impression that guys are just interested in sex, that they’re not interested in relationships. What we know is that most guys do get into relationships, they enjoy relationships, they do a lot of things in relationships that are not about sex and they’re not doing them just to put up with them in order to get sex. Guys get something out of relationships; they like relationships.”

It’s true. 50 million American men are married. They don’t do so at gunpoint. They do so because the benefits of monogamy are greater than the cost of giving up being a Casanova. So if you’re a woman who is convinced that men are all about sex, think again. If a man is sleeping with you and not committing to you, it’s largely because he doesn’t want a long-term relationship with anyone right now or he doesn’t want a long-term relationship with YOU. It’s not because he’s some sort of single-minded sexual sociopath.

Men are all about feelings. Try to understand us and you’ll get the most out of us.

Read the article on Salon.com and share your comments below.