Is it Okay to Talk with a Man About His Small Penis?

I met a great guy on Match two months ago and we’ve been spending a good amount of time together since. We have great conversation, and have fun together no matter what we do. He values me for who I am, and it feels great that I can completely be myself around him. He’s already quite smitten, which feels nice, but I’ve recently been wanting to hit reverse on the whole thing. Here’s why:

When we finally became somewhat intimate recently after a great make-out session (I guess it would be third base, whatever third base is these days…hands under clothing) I made a surprising discovery. I’m not sure how to candy coat this one, so I’ll just say it: he has an extremely small penis, even when at full mast. I was shocked and didn’t know what to do, so I did nothing. As in, once I located the goods, I didn’t interact with it at all and pretended it wasn’t there. The makeout session ended a little while later and I’ve had zero interest in having another one.  

I know there’s nothing he can do about it. Genetics are what they are. But I don’t know what to do. Do I have a conversation with him about it? What would I even say? “Hey, do you realize your penis is kinda small?” I’m sure he’s well aware and I don’t want to hurt his feelings. But I am quickly losing interest in dating him altogether.  

I can’t imagine having sex with him. And I’m also feeling a little guilty for feeling this way, for asking you this question, and for not wanting to get physical again with a guy who can’t help that he’s stuck with the short end of the stick.

Help!

Allison

Is it wrong that this letter makes me smile? Probably. Oh well.

Somehow, in answering 1000+ questions over the last 10 years, the small penis one has never, um, come across my desk, and I’ve never thought of how to, um, handle it.

To your credit, Allison, you sound self-aware and compassionate.

• It’s not his fault that he has been genetically cursed. (An erection of less than 2  ¾” only occurs in 0.6% of men.)
• It’s not your fault that you found yourself suddenly unsure of what to do.
• And it’s not wrong of you to potentially determine that his lack of equipment may ultimately be a dealbreaker.

The only way I can offer constructive feedback would be to, um, switch positions and ask yourself what it would be like if, after you removed your clothes for a new man, he suddenly found your body to be grossly unappealing.

Would you want him to stop what he’s doing, jaw agape?

Would you want him to continue to pretend your unappealing body wasn’t there?

Would you want him to quickly find an exit strategy to end his own discomfort?

Probably not. Such an interaction can be emotionally scarring — and if this guy is as small as you say, I’m sure he’s had more than his share of scars.

The kindest way to deal with things would have been to act like absolutely nothing was wrong and go with the flow.

The kindest way to deal with things would have been to act like absolutely nothing was wrong and go with the flow. No paralysis, no ignoring his penis, no quick getaways.

The same way you’d teach your children not to stare at a dwarf or a burn victim, the last thing you want to do is make this guy feel MORE self-conscious.

If you’d kept hooking up with him like normal, you would have been kind, compassionate, and patient. Maybe you’d discover that he could still get the job done.

Maybe not. But that would be a decision you could have made after the experience, rather than before.

Listen, there are a million reasons to break things off with someone. Kindness. Consistency. Communication. Commitment. Character. Money. Religion. Politics.

Penis size — or any other personal physical turnoff – is just another one.

But, as you’ve noted, there’s nothing to talk about and certainly nothing he can learn from this situation. So as always, lead with kindness:

If he follows up with you for another date, just let him know he’s a great guy, you’re just not feeling a strong romantic connection and wish him the best of luck in his search.

He’s certainly going to need it.