My Boyfriend Dumped Me Because I Won’t Sleep with Him. Should I Give In?

I don’t know if I should have sex. Over a six-month period he’s broken up with me on 4 occasions due to my celibate status. I am recently divorced, but a practicing Catholic observing chastity and trying to date. Currently the guy I am in love with is demanding fellatio under the guise that it is not sex. I love him so much, but I’m uncomfortable. I also feel disrespected for him ask for this as our first sexual encounter. For starters, I am not good at it and I worry that he is taking advantage. I am scared to dissent you see. He is putting a lot of pressure on me and only talks around this subject if he texts back at all. I am doing all the pursuing apparently and its been via texts where I’m practically begging for us to retain at least some form of friendship if nothing else. I feel lost without him. I bought your recent book and am hoping to use these new skills to turn things around. It helped get him back because a month ago he disappeared, yep! He swore never to reply my texts or calls ever again and told me to move on with my life. I don’t know if his demands for sex are normal or if I need saving. Please help!

Julie

I’ve written  about this  a lot. However, your question — in my opinion – isn’t really a question as much as it is a request for validation.

You are a practicing Catholic who is observing chastity.

That is your prerogative and no one can really argue with one’s religious stance.

But what I don’t get — and have never really gotten — is why people who choose to be celibate are surprised when people who are NOT celibate want to have sex?

Of COURSE they want to have sex.

YOU probably want to have sex, too, but you believe that God forbids it.

This means you’re at an impasse and are at a fork in the road where you can choose only one path. Either stick with your vow of celibacy or have sex. There’s not a right or wrong.

It seems you’re investing a lot of time in dead-end relationships that will ultimately lead to this moment, instead of seeking out other chaste, religious men who are on the same page and respect your chastity. Sounds to me like a painful, predictable outcome and a serious waste of time and energy.

So, since you came here for advice, take this to heart:

You shouldn’t be begging to be friends with someone who ignores and disregards you.

1. Dump your boyfriend. You shouldn’t have to pursue a man who is committed to you. You shouldn’t be committed to a man who doesn’t return your texts. You shouldn’t be begging to be friends with someone who ignores and disregards you.
2. Get into some form of therapy. Or at least join Love U to learn how to act with confidence, set healthy boundaries, and put your energies into good men who act with kindness and consistency. The worst part of your story isn’t about sex; it’s about how poorly you’re allowing yourself to be treated in the name of “love.”
3. Think logically. That sounds more patronizing than I want it to, but the math here is pretty simple:
   1. You’ve got a “boyfriend” who never reaches out to you and is telling you to move on with your life. All he wants is a blow-job.
   2. You’re a practicing Catholic who has taken a vow of celibacy.
   3. And your biggest question is how to get this guy back and whether you should break your vows for him?

Girl, please. Your boyfriend sucks. You shouldn’t.

Either stick with your vows and find a man who feels the same way about sex (3% of men) OR enjoy sex with a non-celibate man (97% of men) who is committed to you.

No matter what you do, it’s better than compromising yourself for such a poorly fitting partner.